DIRTY JOKES PART 2

Dirty Joke 1
A man was wandering around a carnival and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

“Ah...” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.” “That’s what you think,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE children.” The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”


Dirty Joke 2
Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Benny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom.

I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn’t tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is.”

Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents’ bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door.

He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says, “I want a watch.” The dad sighs and says, “Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don’t make any noise.”

Dirty Joke 3

Q. Do you know what 6.9 is?

A. A good thing fucked up by a period.

GOLF JOKES PART 1

Four married guys go golfi ng. While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation takes place:

1st Guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfi ng this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.”

2nd Guy: “That’s nothing. I had to promise my wife I would build a new deck for the pool.”

3rd Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I would remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn’t said anything. So they asked him, “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfi ng this weekend. What’s the deal?”

4th Guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge, and said, ‘Golf course or intercourse?’ And she said, ‘Wear your sweater.’”

ILLOGICAL REASONING - JOKE TIME

Illogical Reasoning
Illogical reasoning is the bane of philosophers, but heaven knows, it can be useful. That’s probably why it’s so prevalent.

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “You know, they’d be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time.”

The man says, “Yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in the States, one in Australia. When we all went our separate ways, we promised each other that we’d all drink this way in memory of the days when we drank together.

Each of these is for one of my brothers and the third is for me.”

The bartender is touched, and says, “What a great custom!” The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always orders the same way.

One day he comes in and orders two pints. The other regulars notice, and a silence falls over the bar. When he comes to the bar for his second round, the bartender says, “Please accept my condolences, pal.”

The Irishman says, “Oh, no, everyone’s fine. I just joined the Mormon Church, and I had to quit drinking.” In other words, self-serving logic can get you serve.

FAMILY JOKES PART 1

Joke 1
Mary: We’ve got a new baby at our house.
Terry: Is he going to stay?
Mary: I guess so. He brought all his clothes.

Joke 2
Willie: Dad, can I have $5 so I can go see Joey next door?
Dad: Why do you need $5 to go to see Joey?
Willie: Because his mother said he was at the movies!

Joke 3
Alfie: Dad, there’s a small PTA meeting tomorrow that you have to come to.
Dad: If it’s a small one, do I have to go?
Alfie: Yes, you have to go. It’s just you, me, and my teacher.

DIRTY JOKES 1 - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ORAL SEX AND ANAL SEX?

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ORAL SEX AND ANAL SEX?

Oral sex makes your day. While anal sex, makes your hole weak.

Joke Joke Joke!!!

MAN'S BEST FRIEND (DOG JOKE) - LAUGH TRIP

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR with his little Jack Russell terrier. He puts the dog on the barstool
next to his. The bartender wanders over and the man says, ‘I’ll have a pot thanks, mate.’ The dog says, ‘I’ll have a margarita.’

The bartender does a double-take and looks over to the dog and asks, ‘Did you just talk?’

‘Yep,’ says the dog. ‘My God!’ says the bartender. ‘That’s incredible.

This is unreal. Who would have thought: a talking dog, here in my bar? Tell me more about yourself. You must have had an amazing life as a talking dog.’

The dog assumes an indifferent pose and speaks in quite a matter-of-fact manner:

‘Yeah, you could say it’s been a big journey. I trained for a while with the US Marines. Saw a bit of action in Iraq – can’t tell you more.

I joined the Bolshoi Ballet for a stint. That was hard work but incredibly satisfying. I’ve written a few best-selling novels in my spare time.

That was good fun. Of course, there have been film offers, TV shows. Wine, women and song. All that.’


The bartender is now purple with excitement. He turns to the man. ‘We could make a fortune. We could charge people to come into this bar and hear your dog talk.

How much would you charge to allow your dog to talk here?’

‘About $10,’ the man replies.

‘Why only $10? That’s madness!’ exclaims the bartender.

The man answers: ‘He’s a liar. He hasn’t done half those things.’